I Am the Mouse Who Stole the Spotlight During Guardians of the Galaxy
by Zoé Mahfouz
Dear Karen,
I read your Google review about me. You claimed to be a regular at this movie theater and were extremely shocked to see a mouse in the front row. You then insisted on how disgusting it is and that you didn’t “pay to endure that.” If anything, it’s your comment I have to endure right now. Don’t even get me started on how outrageous I find these kinds of comments in 2025.
I must be delusional because I truly thought our two species were finally at peace. We fought for ages in Hollywood to demystify the cliché of mice being “filthy.” We helped sew Cinderella’s dress for the ball. We helped the garbage boy, Linguini, cook French food in Ratatouille. We even got all dressed up to become human’s family members in Stuart Little. And what did we get in return? Mouse killer pasta baits! Snap traps with… peanut butter? I know you’re trying to outsmart us, but unfortunately for you, we still have taste.
You fragile little humans are asking Google “how to kill mice without them smelling,” because, apparently, smell is all that matters to you. Maybe—and I say maybe—consider taking other creatures’ feelings into consideration? Maybe remember that we also have mouths to feed? Maybe this isn’t ideal for us either? Maybe we aspire to something greater than being lab animals? Not all of us wish to be stuck here in New York City!
Life is hard enough having to share common areas with cockroaches and those stupid Central Park squirrels who are so full of themselves because some human gave them food once. Now they’ve become viral sensations on TikTok and everyone thinks they’re adorable. For the record, squirrels eat old lunch meat and burger scraps. They’re too lazy to climb trees to snatch their own fruits because they grew up with a silver spoon in their mouths, but that’s a different story.
If you really want to know, my mom and I are moving to Paris soon. That’s right—we found a way onto a fancy cruise ship that doesn’t serve bleached food to its guests. We’ll be traveling with La Crème de la Crème, eating all the stuff you see in that “Be Our Guest” song in Beauty and the Beast. Jealous much? Well, you should be.
Also, since you were too busy complaining about a mouse “invading your space” in a movie theater, you probably haven’t noticed that your apartment—which I happen to know very well—is where most of my cousins live and reproduce. And your fridge is way too easy to open. Just last night, we had a wine-tasting party for my cousin Ernie, who visited us from El Salvador. We figured we had to celebrate his one hour of sobriety, especially since you had that marvelous bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1787. It really did wonders with that Queijo de Ovelha Amanteigado—you know, that cheese crowned World Champion Cheese 2024.
That’s right, I was the first mouse who graduated in Dairy Fat, with a minor in Milk Culture.
Anyhow, I hope you have good health insurance, because it shouldn’t take long for you to meet our good friend, the Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome, courtesy of the house.
Say cheese.
Zoé Mahfouz is a multi-talented artist—an award-winning bilingual actress, screenwriter, and writer whose works span fiction, nonfiction, and poetry, featured in 20+ literary magazines worldwide. Her comedic scripts, including I Follow You and Commercial Actress, have garnered recognition at festivals like Hollywood Comedy Shorts, Filmmatic, Scriptation Showcase, and Toronto International Nollywood Film Festival. You can find her on TikTok -- @lessautesdhumeurdezoe and iMDB by searching Zoé Mahfouz.
